Changes, changes....

Well, I finally did it. I'm going to retire from my working life at the end of this month. I didn't think I would live to see this. After all the heart issues, having my gall bladder out this year, and lots of days feeling like crap I decided the time was now. I need to go before I can't.


I'm going to miss everybody that I'm so use to seeing every day, but I will be around to see them when I can. My overall health has been pretty good, so I guess it's time to get out and enjoy the time I have left. It's scary..I don't know how not to work. I've been working since the age of 11 and the thought of not going to a job every day is really strange. Everybody says "You will get use to it really quick", but really? Old habits are hard to kick.


Maybe I'll try harder to work on this blog, I've been neglecting it for a long time. Mostly because it's hard to go back and read some of the horrible things I've had to deal with, but I'm not as frightened as I was back then.


I guess we will see what the future holds, hopefully it will be all good from now on.

I didn't expect to be back here..

I tried to forget about this blog, I figured if I did the whole nightmare would go away and I could forget all about it. But...the last 2 years have been rough. Since the diagnosis of Congestive heart failure it's been a series of ups and downs.


I've been trying to keep upbeat with the issue, but instead I've been more beat up than up beat. I'm use to fixing broken things, electronic or mechanical-it doesn't matter. I can usually find pieces parts to put it back together and get it working as intended. This...not so much. It's not really "fixable" and I find that frustrating. I'm tired most of the time, a bit cranky, and feeling like I'm a bit useless.
I never thought I would see the day that I would retire, I figured I would work my whole life, but here I am semi-retired and feeling like I have no value at my job anymore. My moral had already taken a bigger hit before this started, but now it's at an all-time flat.


So now the testing has started again. Maybe another ablation, maybe some toxic drugs. It's not like I want to throw in the towel, but I would really like to get to feel a bit normal again, I'm trying to do all the things that they want me to do, but I'm pretty discouraged today.


I'll come back more often and try to post my thoughts, hopefully I can scrape up a few happy ones as we go along.

Yeah, I'm still here!

It's been a long time since I updated anything here, and the journey has been a long and busy one.

I didn't think I would be back here, and yet-here I am. I guess I knew I would be at some point but I really didn't think it would be this soon. You see I thought my heart was fine after the valve repair, but it turns out...not so much.

"Severe Global Hypokenisis" it's called. Basically it means my heart is really weak and fading. According to my research the output of a heart is measured in something called the "Ejection Fraction". The majority of people have an EF of somewhere between 50-70%. Because of the valve repair I had those many years ago my normal EF is 40-45%. When I was sent to the hospital last month - it was 15%. Basically, in layman's terms I was "Circling the drain".

So, here's what happened:

I had a cough that just didn't want to go away. All day, every day. It started to get progressively worse as the week went by. Then I had trouble getting a decent breath. So, I called my doctor and he said to come on in. By the time I got to his office all I wanted to do was lay down, I haven't felt that bad in, well..ever.

After checking me over it appeared that my heart was bouncing between 75 and 147 beats a minute. Not the best of conditions really. He called my Cardiologist who had him give me some meds and said, "go home, rest, and if it gets worse call 911, and tomorrow go to the Cardio guys". So I went home, had a not so pleasant night and headed to the Dr in the morning. When I got there he checked me and quickly decided I needed to go for a "Cardoversion". That's where they shock your heart like you see on TV to bring it back to a normal sinus rhythm. That worked, but the heart-rate was still way high. So, on that Friday they checked me in to the hospital where I stayed until Tuesday.

I came home with a boat load of drugs, and a "Life Vest". A really annoying contraption that has to worn 24/7 and if I passed out would have shocked me to kick start my heart again...Good times.
On Thursday the Aortic Flutter returned and at that point the decision was made to do what is called an "Ablation". This where the fun really begins. They run lines up through the arteries in both sides of the groin, up into the heart, one of the lines is a camera and the other is what I think of as a soldering iron. Then, they find the spot in the heart that is causing the flutter and burn it to stop the electrical impulses that cause the flutter. That works in about 95% of the cases, and it looks like I'm in the lucky 95%.

The first 4 or 5 nights after coming home is rough. Just when I started to go to sleep I woke up in a panic and really couldn't sleep the rest of the night. I did a little more research, (Thank you Google), and I found that this isn't really that uncommon. It's called "Fear of impending doom". It's your brain saying Hey! Don't fall asleep 'cause if you do you will die! Nice-Thanks brain.
After a while the fear sort of goes away..mostly. You still get a bit of panic with every little twinge, and a dizzy feeling from the damn meds. I know they are necessary, but I hate the way I feel for an hour or so after.

Now, a month later I'm feeling actually pretty good. It's been rough but I think I am feeling pretty much back to my old self again. I've lost 15 lbs, which is pretty good. I might try to keep them off if I can stay away from the bad foods that I have grown to love. I'm working on the treadmill every day and getting stronger. My EF is now at 30% and I'm hoping for 40-45% again, but I'm not sure how realistic that is.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that there is hope for weak hearts. It just takes work, and the love and support of friends and family-those things I have in very large quantity so I consider myself a very lucky man.
I'm looking forward to moving on from this and getting another chance to cheat death again :-)

Until the next time....

Ten Years!

It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years ago today that I had the surgery to repair my broken heart. It's been a short time span, but lots going on in that little bit of time. Some good, some not so good. I'm glad to still be here, but it hasn't been without some heartache along the way. I lost my Mom, my siblings have been a royal pain in the ass and the winters are getting longer and longer every year. But, I have my health, a wife that tolerates me, kids that love me, and a granddaughter that brings me great amounts of joy every day. We just came back from one of the all-time best vacations ever. I miss my daughter and it was great to be able to spend some time with her, and taking the graddaughter to see her Mom was the icing on an already great cake. The older I get the more I realize how important my family is. Time is spinning faster all the time. Now that both of my parents are gone I feel it even more. Someday I will be just a memory to my kids, and I want it to be a good memory. I'm going to hope they remember how much I loved and supported them and let them grow to be the great people they have become. I'm pretty proud of them. Anyway, here's to the next 10 years. I'm going to do my best to stick around. Hopefully I can get out of these never-ending winter blues.

I'm having a hard time today and this post goes out to my daughter. She's had the most horrible luck with a medical condition since pretty much the day she was born. Surgery after surgery after surgery, and yet she still manages to stay upbeat and plugs on...most of the time.

Most people have no idea what it's like to go day to day walking and working and doing whatever. You just do what you do and you don't give much thought as to how you get there. Imagine that suddenly you find yourself completely immobile and you can't even do the most basic tasks like fixing something to eat, or showering, or even worse-going to the bathroom without asking for help. This is her day right now. Oh it will get better, and we hope it will stay that way. But for now, it's frustrating for her and it upsets me as well because I'm too far away to be helpful to her. She's been through it before more times than I can remember, but I suffer right along with her from here and I hate it.

So, I just wanted to say-be grateful for your health and don't take the everyday for granted. Hopefully you won't ever find yourself in this position, but if you do, I hope you can be as brave as she is. Her strength is something to behold and I'm proud of her for it.

I was thinking about life today and wondering where my direction is heading. The one thought that I had was that eventually we all reach that point where your life flashes before your eyes. I want to make sure that mine will be worth watching. Is yours?

Much love to you Jess, hang in there. Great things are ahead for you, it all happens in due time.

I wasn't planning on commenting on this, but the recent rash of phone calls and emails I have received has prompted me to say a little something.

First and foremost, my thoughts go out to the family of the guy that died this past weekend in a motorcycle crash. My heart always goes to the families of these people and this particular crash doesn't change that.

Now, I'm getting up on my soap box so bear with me while I get my balance.

This guy was killed while on a "Helmet Protest" ride. He was protesting because the law says he has to wear a motorcycle helmet to protect his head when he rides his motorcycle...and he died. Ironic isn't it? Please understand, I am all for personal choice and taking responsibility for your actions, and this guy was exercising his right of personal choice...but he is now...Dead.

Because this is America, and I consider myself a patriotic person, I will defend the right to be stupid and wrong, that is guaranteed by the constitution and I won't argue with that. However, that being said, riding a motorcycle is a risky task anytime you swing a leg over that saddle, and the idea of not doing whatever you can in any small measure to protect yourself is in my mind idiotic at the least. And then there is the family. Was it their choice to lose a close member of their family? I'm thinking probably not.

I know what head injury looks like up close having lived it for the past 17+ years. Watching someone you love that was a bright light in your own life suddenly become a very dim glow is heartbreaking and every day you wish it were a bad dream and when you wake up it never happened, but day after day it's the same and it will be tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that.

When I taught people to ride I tried to impress on them the importance of ATTGATT, "All the gear, all the time". Most people got it, some not. But I know I did everything I could to convince them that if it wasn't something they chose to believe from me, at least think about the people that love them and what kind of effect it would have on them if they suddenly find them without you around, or worse, around but not the same person you knew and loved.

I'm sorry, but my sympathy isn't with the guy that crashed...Did I mention that he's dead?

Live your life responsibly, there are others that love and care about you and want you around. Enjoy whatever sport and activity you choose, but do it with love for the people you may leave behind. The comment I keep hearing is, "He died doing what he loved." Really? He loved dying? I think if he had the opportunity to do it over he would probably not choose that.

I'm getting down from my soap box now. I'm angry still, and I realize that I can't save everyone with my talk, but if I can get through to one or two people....I'm happy with that.

What a fantastic, sunny, warm, long weekend it was! I can't remember a 4th of July holiday that was this nice in a really long time, no rain, nice and warm, and...quiet!

I spent time cutting bushes and trimming tree limbs away from my driveway, cooking on the grill, listening to music and really just enjoying some time for quiet reflection. I thought a lot about my family and good friends that are far away and wishing they were closer. I miss spending time with them and wish we could not be so far apart. It's strange how when people are close by you don't really think about it because they are close enough to reach out and touch, but when they go away the distance makes your heart hurt. I think we should find a way to tell those people more often that we miss them even when they are close by.

Physical distance doesn't have to be so far if we make a point out of bringing those we care about closer in our heart.

You know who you are, and know that you are missed and loved.